by Ellen Carroll on February 21, 2009

Communication, Parenting Tips

If you’re a parent, you know this line generally gets you the most non-commital response possible- a grunt or nod of the head, all without any eye contact or further indication that the kid standing across from you is actually listening to what you’re saying.

So what’s a parent to do when there’s a break down of communication with their kids? Here are a few tips to increase the quality of conversations with your kids.

How you talk matters more than what you say. Everyone has heard the old saying, “You catch more bees with honey…” but applying it to daily life (and particularly, conversations with children) is easier said than done. The writers at 4parents.gov suggest that you keep four things in mind when talking with your child.

1. Tone of voice- listen to how you sound. Are you angry? Encouraging? Bored? Your child will pick up on how you sound and adjust their responses accordingly. Be sure that your tone matches your message to ensure that you get a proper response from your child. Try to avoid harsh words or accusations, which tend to put an immediate end to the possibility of a worthwhile conversation.

2. Body language- seems simple, but the way you present yourself in conversation will be a determining factor in whether or not your child will feel comfortable participating in a converstation with you. How you look to your child can be one of the strongest components to a successful (or failed) conversation with your kids. Leaving yourself in as open a position as the situation allows will go far to shape your child’s attitudes about conversation and will have them dreading your talks less.

3. Facial expressions- As much as your body can talk without words, so can your face. Children learn from an early age to associate facial expressions to certain behaviors. For example, a smile is associated with a job well done, or pride at a new accomplishment. On the other hand, scowls and frowns are associated with failure and discontent. Taking a moment to carefully consider your facial expressions can greatly benefit you when approaching a conversation with your kids. Remember that first impressions are incredibly important, even with kids.

4. Are you listening? Actively listening to your child will encourage them to continue to talk to you. Keep eye contact with them, ask questions (without accusations) and rephrase what they’ve just told you. If your kids know that you’re willing to at least hear what they have to say, there will be fewer reservations on their part to come to you with problems.

Say it with love. Kids need to know that their parents love them unconditionally, even when they have misbehaved. Explaining to your children that you have expectations for their behavior doesn’t have to be negative, but it should be done with gentle care and consideration for their fragile self-esteems. Screaming and yelling won’t do anything but foster fear and resentment, while a calm voice will reassure your children to come to you and hear what you have to say.

Be clear and consistent. One of the easiest things a parent can do is confuse their child. Saying, “Don’t say another word!” followed by, “Do you hear me?” is sure to make your child afraid to answer, and equally scared not to answer. Explain what your child needs to hear without any embellishment or confusing language. Make your expectations simple, then do the same with the consequences.  Overly complicated demands and consequences more often than not result in poor performance and a lack of trust on both sides. Carefully choosing your words before you use them can have a positive affect on your relationship with your child.

By making a few minor changes in the way you approach conversations of any kind with your children, you can lay the groundwork for a healthy and strong relationship.

No related posts.